Harder Than It Had to Be
This last week was harder than it had to be. I found myself waiting and waiting to hear from my doctor with the results of the PET scan that would reveal if I needed further treatment for my cancers. I tried to start back to work… paperwork only until I demonstrate I can handle being back on the clock… but the way the software is set up, I couldn’t access client files unless I was actually working with families.
Finally, on Thursday, the doctor called… and I was taking a nap, so all I got was a voice mail: “The scan didn’t show any remaining cancer, but I need to talk with you about some other findings. Please call me back.” I called back but received no word on Thursday. By 2:30pm on Friday, still no word. So I called the office. Finally at 4:00 Friday I heard back. The additional “findings” were I have some fluid pooling by my bladder, likely because of the removal of the lymph nodes. (For you medical people, he called it a lymphocele.) He’s not really concerned about it unless I start running a fever.
So… Good news! No signs of cancer in the scan. No chemo needed. No radiation. No further treatments at all. Just regular PSA tests going forward to make sure there aren’t a few cancer cells hiding somewhere just waiting to start their party again.
All good new, right? So why was this a hard week? Because of me. I saw my plans to get back to work go off the rails. I had to wait and wait to get my results for the PET scan. And when I finally did, I got an ambiguous message and was left wondering overnight.
Despite things I’ve written in previous posts… things I truly believe, this all suddenly became about MY plans, MY timing, MY expectations. I forgot to trust God. I started asking the wrong questions: Why is this taking so long? Why can’t I just get back to working with my families?
Once I realized what I was doing, I sat down and had a talk with myself. I reminded myself I should be trusting God. I remembered the question I should be asking: God, what are you trying to teach me? The angst faded away. The tension left my body. My mood improved (my wife told me so).
God has been incredibly gracious and merciful to me, far more than I deserve. Many, many people are not so blessed as to have major health issues resolved in a few months. He has taught me (again) to be more patient… to let Him steer my life. He has been with me throughout this rather short journey with cancer, and I trust He will continue with me I my life moves forward.
A cancer diagnosis is what pushed me toward getting this blog started. I’m not sure exactly what direction it will take now. I have some devotional materials I’ve written I could post here. I’m learning woodcarving. I enjoy cooking and smoking meat. Any of those are fair game for future posts.
I would appreciate it if you would leave a comment about what you would like to see here in the future, or maybe you think I should just call it good and end the blog. Let me know.
And God bless each of you. He’s got you, every day, all the time.